Working on the marriage instead of the wedding

[keith]

I had a conversation recently with a young man I know and like who is graduating from college next year and is contemplating marriage in the not-too-distant future.

My piece of advice: Most people spend more time planning their wedding than they do planning their life together. Weird, huh? With all we've learned after 12 or 16 years of school, we really haven't learned a solid way to go about planning a lifetime with someone. There's no handbook that I know of and advice seems scattered, unfocused. We tend to do it because it seems right, but we don't really know what we're doing.

It just seems funny that so much time and money is devoted to the ceremony and relatively little effort is expended toward starting out on the right foot to make it work.

Regards,
Keith

[Kris10]

Originally Posted by keith

It just seems funny that so much time and money is devoted to the ceremony and relatively little effort is expended toward starting out on the right foot to make it work.

That's why I am all for living in sin. You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive, would you? Thank God I knew what I was getting in to before my wedding.

[keith]

Originally Posted by Kris10

That's why I am all for living in sin. You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive, would you? Thank God I knew what I was getting in to before my wedding.

Interesting analogy. Actually a thoughtful way to look at living together before tying the knot.

The analogy could be fun, too. If they're divorced are you getting a used car? Are prenuptials like a warranty, or a lemon-law for returning the car that didn't turn out to be what you wanted? How do you maintain the vehicle? High-maintenance? Good mileage?

Regards,
Keith

[Latina]

I have never been married, but i see what you are getting at... why would you spend a year planning a wedding & not planning the future instead. strange.


I agree with living together for at least a year before marriage (though i did say no to an ex after living together 2 yrs, it would have been a mistake obviously since we arent together 10 yrs later), maybe i'll meet the guy who will change my mind & make me want marriage, then again maybe not

For now i'm happy taking my time in relationships. living together is the best way to really get to know whether you want to do it forever or not... I have to agree with Kris.

[pk]

Interesting and insightful post Keith. And so true. There is so much planning and expense to a large wedding that it sometimes takes months and months to plan. After it's all over with I think there is a let down and you wonder what is next?

So many couples go into this without a thought to finances, or planning for a future, retirement? What is retirement when you are young and statistics say that 3 out of 5 marriages break up in the first 5 years? Why plan past that some may think.

Children? Another case of 9 months of thinking about being pregnant, but what plans are really made as to how to raise the child? Future plans? What to do when the child is sick? College funds? etc. etc.

So what's the answer? Of course you can ask people that actually made it being married for years, but how many younger people or first timers are going to listen to advice from someone older?

Not sure what to say except hopefully they can start teaching more in the educational system as to how to successfully plan a life together with a partner.