Uff Da

[AJE]

What is the Meaning of Uff Da? Norwegian-Americans or "Norskies" from the Midwest might be very familiar with the phrases "Uff Da!" and "Lena, Ole, and Sven jokes." I would like to know your favorite jokes or what qualifies for Uff Da? :lol:

[AJE]

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee while listening to the weather report coming over the radio:

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has beendeclared. To avoid a snow-bird parking ticket and/or a tow to the city impound lot, you must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the street."

Ole gets up from his coffee and, on his way to the door, announces, "Uff da, Lena, I gotta go move da car."

Two days later, as they again are both sitting down with their coffee, the radio's forecast says:

"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street."

Ole gets up from his coffee and, on his way to move the car, announces, "More snow, Lena. I gotta move da car again."

Three days later, same setting, worse forecast:

"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..."

...Just then the power went out, preventing Ole from getting the rest of the parking instructions.

"Uff da, Lena, vat am I going to do now?"

Lena replies, "Oh Ole! Just leave da car in da garage."

[AJE]

Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says: "I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?"
"I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."

[AJE]

So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?"
And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you."
Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"

[AJE]

So, Sven and Ole are bungee-jumping one day. Sven says to Ole, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able catch him, Sven falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Sven says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

[AJE]

Lena and Ole were married a long time, 45 years I tink. One day poor Ole died. Lena tinks she should put a notice in da paper so she goes down to talk to da person in charge of da classifieds. He asks her what she wants to put in da paper. "Yust put, Poor Ole Died", she says.

Da person in charge says, "Look I know you and Ole was married a long time, is that all you want to say"?

"Well", say Lena, "the first tree words are free and dat's all I can afford".

"I'll give you the first 6 words for free," says the man.

"Ok", says Lena, "please put, Poor Ole died. Boat for sale".

[AJE]

The pastor at Sven and Ole's church was giving a rousing heaven or hell sermon one Sunday. At the end, minister commands "Whoever wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everyone except Sven and Ole stand. The pastor walks over to them, looks them directly in the eye and asks "Why don't Sven and Ole want to go to heaven?"
Sven answers, "Oh, ve vant to go to heaven. But ve taught you were taking a load up right now and ve aren't ready yet."

[AJE]

Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did."

[AJE]

Sven and Ole were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

Sven says to Ole, pointing to the sign, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I vouldn't be eating here."

[AJE]

Ole and Sven go moose hunting every winter without any success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume, and begin to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call is answered when a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull is close enough, Ole shouts, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Sven in the back shouts, "Da zipper is stuck! Da zipper is stuck! Ole, vat are ve gonna do?"

Ole says, "Vell Sven, I'm going ta start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[AJE]

Ole and Lena were married for 40 years. When they first got married Ole said,

"I am putting a box under da bed. You must promise never ta look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1934.87 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Lena could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,

"I am so sorry Ole. For all dese years I kept my promise and never looked inta da box under our bed. However today da temptation vas too much and I gave in. But now I need ta know vy do you keep da cans in da box?"

Ole thought for a while and said,

"I guess after all dese years you deserve ta know da truth. Whenever I vas unfaithful ta you I put an empty beer can in da box under da bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Lena was shocked, but said,

"I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all dose years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess dat 3 times is not dat bad considering da years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Lena asked,

"Ole, vy do you have all dat money in da box?"

Ole answered,

"Oh, Whenever da box filled with empties, I cashed em in."

[AJE]

Ole is traveling on a train and learns that he and pretty woman who he's never met before have to share the same sleeping carriage.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, Ole on the lower bunk.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes Ole and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

Ole leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend ve're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," Ole replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
:lol:

[AJE]

One day Ole gets a plan to make some money so he goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. Ole rings the door bell and says, "Hello, is der anyting I could do for you ta make some money?"

The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."

Ole says, "O.K., How much vill ya pay me?"

The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"

Ole quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"

Two hours later Ole knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have da money now?"

Surprised the man replies, "OK, Let me get the money"

He comes back and Ole says as he is leaving, "By da vay, Dat's a Ferrari, not a Porch-e!"
:roll:

[AJE]

Ole was driving in traffic when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the Ole's car and asked, "Are you going to Oslo?"

"Sure," answered Ole, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said Ole.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Ole's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Oslo when suddenly he was horrified. There was Ole walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Ya, I know ya did," said Ole, "but yust as ve got der it looked like it vas goin ta rain, so ve decided to go see a movie instead."