Joke Thread - I'll start with expert lawyer questions

[keith]

The Rancher


A man owned a small ranch in Minnesota. The MN. Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.


"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.


"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of Rye every Saturday night."


"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.


"That would be me," replied the rancher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[keith]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round. *

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[MrKhay]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[pk]

Bubba Goes to the Doctor

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." The doctor asked, "Where"?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them"?

[pk]

A friend of mine just sent this joke and some of the images that comes to mind when you read this list is too funny! lol


SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us "Older Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least
13. Thongs and Depends

[MrKhay]

1. Any person with a valid Wisconsin State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty

[MrKhay]

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

[MrKhay]

Bob and Doug, adrift in a lifeboat, see an old lamp floating in the sea. Bob starts rubbing the lamp, and a genie pops out and says she’ll grant them one wish. Without giving much thought to the matter, Bob blurts out, "Turn the ocean into beer!" Immediately the genie claps her hands and disappears in a puff of smoke, and the entire sea turns into brew. Only the gentle lapping of beer against the hull breaks the stillness.

Doug looks disgustedly at Bob and, after a long, tension-filled moment, shouts, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

[MrKhay]

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”
“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor.
“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

[MrKhay]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

[MrKhay]

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.


2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.


3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day


4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join


5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.


6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.


7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.


8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.


9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.


10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.


11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.


12. Play with the automatic doors.


13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.


14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"


15. Repeat .. tell
others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.


23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.


24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.


25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."


26. TP as much of the store as possible.


27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.


28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.


29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"


30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."


31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)


32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.


33. Take bets on the battle from above.


34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.


35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.


36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.


37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the
theme from Mission Impossible.


38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.


39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.


40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."


41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.


42. Two words: Marco Polo


43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.


44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.


45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.


46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.


47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.


48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its
those voices again."


49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.


50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
:lol:

[pk]

here's a joke for the campers on the forum.
:lol: :lol:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."