Joke Thread - I'll start with expert lawyer questions

[keith]

How about a thread for jokes!?!?

I'll start with attorney examinations of witnesses. These are about as racy as we'd like to see them, folks.


Got this just now in an email from my Dad:


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?


WITNESS: July 18th.


ATTORNEY: What year?


WITNESS: Every year.


_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?


WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?


WITNESS: Forty-five years.


_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?


WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


WITNESS: My name is Susan.


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?


WITNESS: We do.


ATTORNEY: You do?


WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


____________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Uh....


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


WITNESS: Oral.


______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


WITNESS: Huh?


____________________________________________




And the best for last




ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.





Regards,
Keith
[/b]

[ajmom]

Cute jokes... most qualify for "HERE'S YOUR STUPID SIGN"

[AlumniClub]

Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"


GB2

[AlumniClub]

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water."


GB2

[AlumniClub]

A blonde is reading the paper and she reads that 12 Brazilian men have died.
Shaking her head, she turns to the man next to her and asks, "exactly how many is a brazillion again"?



GB2

[AlumniClub]

"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

GB2

[AlumniClub]

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."

"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday!"



GB2

[keith]

We're getting just a bit risque (sp?), let's keep it clean.

Here are a few good quotes:

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." ~Will Rogers

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' -- Isaac Asimov

"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half." ~Gore Vidal

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~Douglas Adams

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles M. Schulz

Regards,
Keith

[AlumniClub]

Ooops, I kinda thought after i posted that joke if it was clean or not. If you want to remove it Keith, please do. My apologies

GB2

[MrKhay]

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
-Nancy Pelossi-

I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding.

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears

"I invented the internet!"
Al Gore

"Feminism is just a way for ugly women to get into the mainstream of America."
Rush Limbaugh

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."
Muhammad Ali

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."
Chris Rock

"Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend."
Lucy Liu

"Good judgement comes from experience. Sometimes, experience comes from bad judgement."
Christian Slater

"I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be..."
Benny Hill

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Jason Kidd

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
Yogi Berra after being told he looked cool

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
Ronald Reagan

[imkaydee]

SELF MODERATED AND DELETED

Sorry, bubbler moderators 8O
It was just a joke...
like when someone talks to your voice mail...
as if you can "hear them" or immediately repond to them.
I didn't think you would take it seriously ops:
Sorry :cry:

[Crys]

imkaydee-

If you're having a problem with something, please contact us via the contact us form, or post a question in the Help forum. If you are refering to abuse of one our systems that hadn't been caught when you posted, please use the "Report Abuse" link at the bottom of every page. Requests are processed as quickly as possible, usually within a few business days. I have not received any contacts from you, so it's not that we're "not paying attention" as you put in your subject, but that we haven't received whatever request you're asking about.

[MrKhay]

This is a Joke thread :lol: :wink: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!:

[MrKhay]

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”