Need a good laugh?

Sodium7 · 12-13-2006, 07:22 PM

Even if you've heard it before... it never stops making you laugh!

Accidents are painful

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**MrKhay** · 01-01-2007, 09:43 AM

The first time I read this post, I laughed my head off. Nothing out of the ordinary about that...Then, I returned to this thread after viewing, and posting on others. Same result...big laugh.
How can you not laugh? :lol:

pk · 01-02-2007, 08:39 AM

There is no one home now but the dogs with me and I'm sitting here laughing out loud! They think I'm crazy...I hate when that happens!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

pk · 01-03-2007, 09:31 AM

Thought I saw a section just for jokes somewhere but until I find it again...heres one for a laugh.

How to Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house"? and he said "no." Then they said that all the patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

pk · 01-30-2007, 11:02 AM

Simple Home Remedies

1.) A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2.) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will then be afraid to cough.

3.) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4.) Gentlemen can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about leaving the toilet seat up by simply using the sink.

5.) For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6.) Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

**j10asen** · 01-30-2007, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pk

Simple Home Remedies

1.) A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2.) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You will then be afraid to cough.

3.) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4.) Gentlemen can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about leaving the toilet seat up by simply using the sink.

5.) For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6.) Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

pk
I HOPE like all get out that you are not employed in the health care industy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! 8O

but add this to the list
7.)A mouse trap, placed on the front of the sink opening to prevent the use of No. 4

Hey I just broke the 300 mark!!!!

pk · 02-02-2007, 07:45 AM

:lol: I WAS REALLY SURPRISED I COULD READ THIS RIGHT AWAY !
Only great minds can read this?
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

**CarolsCritterCare** · 02-02-2007, 08:27 AM

I can read that easy...no problem. Does that make me amazing? LOL

Carol

**j10asen** · 02-02-2007, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pk

:lol: I WAS REALLY SURPRISED I COULD READ THIS RIGHT AWAY !
Only great minds can read this?
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

pk, you come up with some cool stuff dudette

andy · 02-02-2007, 09:16 AM

someone at work sent this to me:

Quote:

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

**CarolsCritterCare** · 02-02-2007, 10:02 AM

UUUUUMMMMMMMMM.......... NO

Probably was not the same elephant.

Now if the story would have ended with

"The elephant sang in joy as the man walked over to him....such a happy reunion"
That would have been great.
I've had pigs react oddly at times when a new rescue would come in. Some acted like life long buddy's. Id' check the paper work on the pig and sure enough they were litter mates/siblings. Pretty neat thing to see.

Carol

pk · 02-05-2007, 08:34 AM

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

pk · 02-11-2007, 09:12 AM

The Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing"? she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any"? she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart"?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

OK...kinda lame...I will try again.

:lol: :lol:

pk · 02-11-2007, 09:15 AM

This one is always fun to email to friends; (that's how I got it) lol

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato fa rms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, (or on the internet) you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also.