Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water."
A blonde is reading the paper and she reads that 12 Brazilian men have died.
Shaking her head, she turns to the man next to her and asks, "exactly how many is a brazillion again"?
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
We're getting just a bit risque (sp?), let's keep it clean.
Here are a few good quotes:
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." ~Will Rogers
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' -- Isaac Asimov
"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half." ~Gore Vidal
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~Douglas Adams
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles M. Schulz
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
-Nancy Pelossi-
I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding.
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears
"I invented the internet!"
Al Gore
"Feminism is just a way for ugly women to get into the mainstream of America."
Rush Limbaugh
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."
Muhammad Ali
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."
Chris Rock
"Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend."
Lucy Liu
"Good judgement comes from experience. Sometimes, experience comes from bad judgement."
Christian Slater
"I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be..."
Benny Hill
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Jason Kidd
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
Yogi Berra after being told he looked cool
"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
Ronald Reagan
Sorry, bubbler moderators 8O
It was just a joke...
like when someone talks to your voice mail...
as if you can "hear them" or immediately repond to them.
I didn't think you would take it seriously ops:
Sorry :cry:
If you're having a problem with something, please contact us via the contact us form, or post a question in the Help forum. If you are refering to abuse of one our systems that hadn't been caught when you posted, please use the "Report Abuse" link at the bottom of every page. Requests are processed as quickly as possible, usually within a few business days. I have not received any contacts from you, so it's not that we're "not paying attention" as you put in your subject, but that we haven't received whatever request you're asking about.
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:
“One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!”
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.
The voice then calls out, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!”
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out once more, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!”
The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap—there are two of them!”
__________________________________________________ __________
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to
what s he was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and
they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy.
__________________________________________________ __________
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that
the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to
make a sandwich.
__________________________________________________ __________
Why aren’t there any more K-Marts in Afghanistan?
Because there’s a Target on every corner.
A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."
He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."
The man does as he is told.
When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.
"Now watch," says the voice.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "F**k."
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”
A guy goes to his doctor because he’s been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news."
"What’s the very bad news?" the man asks warily.
"Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live."
"Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what’s the bad news?"
"Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer’s disease," says the doc.
"Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don’t have cancer!"
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu
that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chi! cken McNuggets. I
asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets,"
said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half
dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my
head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to
mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
"divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scanit.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to
what s he was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and
they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."
FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I
should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote
thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE: Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too
swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier
and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX: I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that
the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to
make a sandwich.
SEVEN: My neighbor works in the operations department in the
central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call h im
when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: -
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT: Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.
NINE: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be
fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: - Rush him in to emergency!
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
OnYourMark, LLC is a full-service web design, production, programming, hosting and Internet marketing company with audio, photography and video services in our studio on Main Street in Sussex, Wisconsin or at your location.
We serve clients in industry, healthcare, eCommerce, professional services, real estate and construction, information services, hospitality, advertising agencies, and more...throughout Wisconsin and the USA. Please contact OnYourMark for a free, no-obligation consultation about increasing your inquiries and sales while decreasing your costs via the web.
Cute jokes... most qualify for "HERE'S YOUR STUPID SIGN"
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