A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you clowns asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry butts in jail for contempt."
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And ram was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was something you did on stage for money
Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they wish they were dead
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji.
Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors.
He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
My parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl"? he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Julia was puzzled that Jon was so nonchalant after he saw his girlfriend with another man. “You’re in love with her, and you saw her with another guy. Why didn’t you go up to him and knock him out?”
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
4. You should not confuse your career with your life.
5. Never lick a steak knife.
6. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
7. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.
9. Your friends love you anyway.
10. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
11. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
A family was on its way to the hospital where their 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "How are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery"?
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.
She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to just boil the sauce again and it should be fine.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.
Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
I think this one has been posted before but thought it was good enough to get a second round of laughs off....
Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
A friend of mine was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps, they hadn't heard him or understood him. So, he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish, he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
I have to put my own experience and 2 cents into this joke! lol
When in elementary school our kids went to a duo language school where they did English and Spanish all day. I was head of the PTO and as part of the PTO's responsibilities we did alot of school spirit days.
One time we were doing a CRAZY HAIR DAY and I thought I would make a few fast posters for it. Since everything that was put up was in both languages I made the poster about CRAZY HAIR DAY and also wrote it in Spanish.
A short while later one of the staff came up to me all upset saying that my poster wasn't right. ...well, I could not understand since I wrote it and it looked good to me...
well.. so much for trying to do something in a language that I did not know very well without asking someone first! What I actually was telling the kids? That FRIDAY WAS GOING TO BE CRAZY DAY!!
Needless to say, I had to take the posters down and change it to crazy HAIR day!
Everyone had a good laugh at the English Speaking PTO President. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Two 80-year-old women are driving when they come upon an intersection. The light is red, but they drive right through it. The woman in the passenger seat thinks to herself, I must be losing it. I could swear we just ran a red light. After a few more minutes, they come to another intersection, and again they run a red light.
The woman in the passenger seat decides to speak up: “Mildred! You just ran two red lights in a row!”
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
* 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
* There is no access to fast food.
* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 am; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
* The kids vote them off based on performance.
* The winner gets to go back to his job
Old world charm ................................. No bath
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
Cozy ................................................. Small
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets-
A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, “sixty-five at least.”
The woman replied: I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.
A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” Asked the young guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.
Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?
Passenger: No, I have not.
Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.
Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?
Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.
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Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?
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