I was driving along the interstate when I decided to stop at a comfort station.
The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall, "Hi. How are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."
Then the stranger said, "So, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird, so I said, "Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back later. There's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's license.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said, "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law,"Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law, "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law., "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man, "Buy me out."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
"I became very confused when I heard the word "service" used with these various agencies and entities:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Utility 'Service'
Medical 'Service'
Insurance 'Service'
Banking 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!!It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those entities are doing!"
Brian was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the girl asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," Brian replied.
She thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing, he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "But I can cure pneumonia."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat. People in Wisconsin plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Wisconsin sunbathe.
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
Wisconsinites chill their beer outdoors.
20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Wisconsinites close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
460 (-459.67 F below zero):
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero, zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wisconsin start saying..."Cold enough fer ya?"
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded..
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards..
They created charts and graphs..
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed..
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES....
AMEN!!!!!
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
(Original source unknown
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
The young woman had just received her temporary driver's licence after taking the written test for the umpteenth time.
She was driving home on the Interstate when her can suddenly experienced total electrical failure. She managed to get pulled off to the side of the road but she was stuck. Nothing worked.
What's worse, its raining cats and dogs!
She gets into the back seat where there is more room and takes off everything. She puts her raincoat and shoes back on.
She then proceeds to stand just behind her car and fling open her coat as each car passes.
Naturally, it doesn't take long before there is a big wreck.
The Motorway Police officer who shows up sees what is happening and is furious.
"What do you mean exposing yourself like that!?" he demands. "Can't you see what was happening?"
In tears, she replies, "I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. Everything died on my car and the law says that if you pull off to the side of the road you have to put your flashers on, but they wouldn't work. I had to be the emergency flasher! Please don't take my driving licence away!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!
LOL Good one Cindy! Next time I am feeling like I better hit the salad bar I will remind myself that I am just enormously cultured, educated and happy.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
We are fortunate our grandchildren live close by and visit us often.
When our seven-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking.
"Oma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"
She told her that she learned from her mother and passed on the knowledge to her daughter. Someday, she continued, her mother will pass the knowledge on to her.
There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," Morgan said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital
was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they
were interested, both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that
even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a
notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well.. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor
to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the
porch..
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
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