Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”
The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”
The last man said, "I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”
This is an ad my brother ran in his local paper... the description of car is all fact...its a piece of crap. He bought the car completely rust free and mint shape from down south...needless to say...wisconsin weather beat this car down hard!....Enjoy
FOR SALE
ATTENTION COLLECTORS!!!
1982 Buick Regal
(see definition below)
re·gal (rç'gəl) def:
adj.
1. Of or relating to a monarch; royal.
2. Belonging to or befitting a monarch or supreme ruler: regal attire.
3. Magnificent; splendid.
[Middle English, from Old French, from Latin rçgâlis, from rçx, rçg-, king.]
· Very low mileage (when compared to the Voyager spacecraft)
· Original unrestored interior
· Custom Campbell’s exhaust
· Unique paint scheme
· Everything works like new! (except A/C, passenger door, remote mirrors, parking brake, electric choke, clock, pinion seal, tape player, speedometer, blower motor, left front tire and hood support struts)
· Runs on pump gas
· Fully functional front and rear license plate brackets
· “The Fonz” style hood latch
· Four wheel brakes
· 50+ MPG!!!! (downhill with tailwind of course)
· Environmentally friendly (it is slowly recycling itself to the earth)
· Relive the ‘80s with the 4 speaker AM/FM cassette stereo system
· Keyless ignition system
· Completely rust free (in some places)
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9-1-1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
After a long day at work, a guy decides to go get a couple of drinks before he heads home. Next thing he knows, the bar’s closing and he’s bowel-failingly drunk. When he gets home, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. What’s worse is that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and the broken glass carved up his butt real good.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and he checked himself out in the mirror. What he saw scared the dickens out of him and he tried to bandage himself the best he could under the circumstances. After all this, he just wanted to sleep so he crawled into bed.
The next morning, as his head was pounding and his butt was throbbing, he tried to think of a good story for his wife.
“You really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where did you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s funny,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where in the name of Pete did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.
The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?"
The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
"You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."
Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just messed my pants.”
The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."
A cowboy is captured by Indians and told that he can have three requests for three days before he is killed. On the first day the cowboy requests his horse. He whispers into the horse's ear and the animal gallops away.
The next day the horse returns with a hot blonde. "What's your next request?" ask the Indians.
Again the cowboy asks for his horse and whispers something into its ear. The next day the horse returns with a redhead.
This time the cowboy walks over to the horse and yells, "Posse, I said I want my posse."
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a Chicago Bears jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three
men wearing Green Bay Packer jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a
harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the
bleeding, semi-conscious Bears fan from the water. Then, using
baseball bats, the three heroes in green & gold beat the shark to death
and hauled it into the boat also.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions." He told them.
"I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Packers and Bears
fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know sh** about shark fishing.... How's the bait holding up?"
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!”
“Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what's the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Hope this isn't on here already? But here's an interesting one.
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”
“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.
A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car heading the wrong way down Interstate 7; he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and yelled hysterically, “Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7!”
His wife replied, “There isn’t just one car! There are hundreds of them!”
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull dumped in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”
“Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!”
Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”
“I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”
Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!
Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!
Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"
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