"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."
"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response."
That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Still no response.
Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"
He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
I bet most Mom's will find this amusing if not sooo true.
Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.
This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I read the 'bathroom joke' and just had to chuckle. So much of this happens, or has happened through out the years.
I have teens here and I swear I can sneak in the bathroom and it's just like they have radar and know I am there and will start something even at their age! Or if not home, the phone will ring and it's one of THEM! Never fails.
I sometimes ask my oldest daughter if she has a special camera that she can see if my bathroom door closes or something since she always calls when I go there.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A number of grade school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and, with a fair amount of effort, cleaned the mirror.
Amazingly, there hasn't been a single lip print on the mirror since then.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when Bubba suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Billy Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence ... and then a gun shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
An Illinois man left the snow filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her E-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
At twenty-three years old, Rita decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to unplug the horse.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
Unknown
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Scott and Glenn were stumbling around town after living it up on New Year's eve. Scott said to Glenn, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
Glenn stops and looks at his Scott friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Hey, could you help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes, they're coming due again
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car.
"Can we make a quick stop?" He asked.
"Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?"
"I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick."
"What do you need a longer one for?" I inquired.
"Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
There was a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies, and her mother told her no.
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Veronica, we just have half of the aisles to go through—don't be upset. It won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, "There, there, Veronica, don't cry—only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.
The mother patiently said, "Veronica, we'll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The bagger followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her, "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Veronica."
The mother replied, "I'm Veronica—my little girl's name is Jenny."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"
"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"
Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"
Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A man stopped at a gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the workers, "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the government," one of them said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow, "Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”
OnYourMark, LLC is a full-service web design, production, programming, hosting and Internet marketing company with audio, photography and video services in our studio on Main Street in Sussex, Wisconsin or at your location.
We serve clients in industry, healthcare, eCommerce, professional services, real estate and construction, information services, hospitality, advertising agencies, and more...throughout Wisconsin and the USA. Please contact OnYourMark for a free, no-obligation consultation about increasing your inquiries and sales while decreasing your costs via the web.
Re: Need a good laugh?
Re: Need a good laugh?
Linear Mode
