A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I heard about a lady who was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains. "So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
A panda goes into a bar, orders appetizers, eats them all, shoots a gun in the air, and runs out. The panda bear does this several days in a row. The bartender finally asks the panda "You come in here every night, order apetitzers, fire you gun, and then run out. What's with that?". The panda frowns at the bartender and says "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary", then repeats his nightly ritual. When the panda leaves, the bartender grabs a dictionary and looks up "panda". It says "panda - member of the bear family; eats shoots and leaves."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around again before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
just had to laugh when I read this joke...reminded me of my own son 'Tim'. He would do the same thing, such a little con.) (
YA. And we all know who he would do it to...ME! Ugh.
__________________
Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Preface, p.1
When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Preface, p.1
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"
You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.
You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward a flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You frantically search for the "Back" button.
Your dog has his own Web page. So does your goldfish.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I Net dot com."
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an '@' in their names.
You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax—OH MY...!"
Then silence.
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
(unknown)
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Two young boys were taking a short cut through the cemetary on a very foggy night. They were naturaly very frightened.
All of a sudden they heard this chipping noise, and as scared as they were, thier curiosity got the better of them. They came upon an old man chipping at a tombstone.
When they asked what he was doing, he said, "They spelled my stinkin' name wrong!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
Then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So, I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter, sentence by sentence.
"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today."
A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
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