Arthur just received his brand new drivers license. The family went out to the driveway, then climbed into the car, where Arthur was going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," dad replied, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him, "I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, and looked her up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course you realize, if that doesn't work, then we'll have to put you to sleep."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A caller dial the operator: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack? The operator says I’m sorry, sir, I do not understand. The caller continues, on page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. “Now, can you give the number for Jack?
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”
oops.
lol lol
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed, "That dance was so important to you?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Is Windows a Virus No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Andy and Tim had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they were at death's door. As they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spotted, through the heat's haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they got closer, they could see that the tree was draped with strip after strip of bacon.
There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon—all sorts. "My goodness, Tim," cries Andy, "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right!" replies Tim, who started running on ahead right up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun fire, and he was wounded in a hail of bullets.
Andy quickly dropped down on the sand, and called across to his the inhured friend.
"Tim, Tim! What happened?"
"Arrrgh... it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a Ham Bush."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
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