Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
1.)Sag, You're it
2.)Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3.)20 questions shouted into your good ear
4.)Kick the bucket
5.)Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6.)Doc Goose
7.)Simon says something incoherent
8.)Hide and go pee
9.)Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.)Musical recliners
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy thought about it and says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy gives great thought and says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy quickly replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
There was a priest who needed someone to ring the bell in the bell tower, but no one in the town was willing to apply for the job, so he decided to advertise outsied of the town. After a while, one applicant showed up - a small man with no arms.
"Well," stated the priest, "I don't see how you could possibly ring the bell. I' mean, you have no arms."
"Just give me a chance to demonstrate." Said the little man. So they went up into the tower, where the small man proceeded to run towards the bell and then slam his face into the side of it. It rang loud and clear.
The priest didn't see that he had any choice, as this was the only applicant and he rang the bell so well, so he hired the little man. Every day on the hour, the man would faithfully ring the bell by running at it and slamming his face into the side of it.
After a few months of doing this, however, the little man's face was getting rather beat up, and his vision was failing. One fatefull day the man ran at the bell, missed, and fell down to the ground to his death. A crowd gathered around the man and the priest pushed his way through explaiming "Let me through! Let me through! I'm a priest!"
"Did you know him?" someone asked the priest.
The priest replied, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
But wait...there's more...
A few weeks later, the little man's identical twin brother shows up at the priest's door. "Out of respect to my dearly departed brother, I would like to take over his bell ringing duties."
The priest felt he couldn't refuse, so he hired the man. He of course rang the bell the same way as his brother, by running towards the bell and slamming his face into the side of it.
Once again, after a few months of bell ringing, the man's face got rather beat up, and his vision was failing. One fatefull day the man ran at the bell, missed, and fell down to the ground to his death. A crowd gathered around the man and the priest pushed his way through explaiming "Let me through! Let me through! I'm a priest!"
"Did you know him?" someone asked the priest.
The priest replied, "No, but he sure is a dead ringer for his brother."
...Them's got ears, let them hear
Them's got eyes, let them see
Turn your eyes to the lord of the skies
Take this airline plane
It'll take you home again
Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.
"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.
"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.
"It's for my husband," she replied.
"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"
She just nodded.
"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"
She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of
the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give
a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish
from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person to enter
my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of
it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal
drugs and pickled his liver with drink.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make
the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the
first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him
in confession."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car.
"Can we make a quick stop?" He asked.
"Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?"
"I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick."
"What do you need a longer one for?" I inquired.
"Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."
Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.
This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"
Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom'.
A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.
After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.
"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.
I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
God is good!
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
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There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house. 
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