When the office printer´s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss´s idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his Captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu.
"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Interesting. Have to check to see which topic actually has the most posts though but just my thought would be to combine them both and change the heading to bubbler joke line or something. Personally I always thought until really looking at it that the thread with the word 'lawyer' in the heading was for lawyer jokes, the heading has a way of throwing it off when you look at it fast.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
LOL yes I see that now...the 'joke' is on me, thought I was still posting in the 'other' joke section and you already merged the two. lol Well you do work quickly.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly, "I know. I thought I would learn a foreign language!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. "Where's Harry?" asked his friend. "He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.
"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"
"It was a tough decision," he explained, "but I figured no one is going to steal Harry.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
There once was a blonde who had always heard about ice fishing, so one day she tried it. She went to an icy area, cut a hole, and started fishing. All of a sudden, she hears a voice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She ignores it and moves to another area, cutting a hole, and beginning to fish again. Again she hears the booming voice. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!" She is starting to get freaked out now. "Lord? Is that you?" she asks. In reply she hears, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.
"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Guy goes to the doctor, doc runs some tests on him, and says you have TAGS.
Guy asked the doc, What the heck is that??!! TB, AIDS, GONAHREA, and SYPHILUS.
Guy is floored, and asks doc, What are we gonna do doc??
Doc says we will lock you in a room and feed you pizza for days.
Guy asks, Will that cure my TAGS? Doc says no, thats the only thing we can fit under the door
Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all.
Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other.
Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife,Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux.
Why don you goover der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence.
You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."
__________________
"An adventure is just misfortune properly reconsidered,"
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A man was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her "honey," "my love," "darling," "sweetheart" or "pumpkin."
The man was impressed. The couple had been married almost 60 years.
While his friend's wife was off in the kitchen, the man turned to his friend.
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names," he said.
His buddy hung his head.
"To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
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