Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led his way to the bedroom, where there was a huge brass gong hanging on the wall.
Whats the gong for? Asked the friend.
It's not a gong. It's a talking alarm clock, the drunk replied.
A talking clock? How's it work?
Watch this, said the drunk. He took a hammer and gave the gong an
ear shattering pound and waited.
Someone on the other side of the wall screamed;
"Hey you jerk! It's three o'clock in the morning!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven. There, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. *He can see from her
nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. *So *he says, "Ms.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000. *The teller asks his name and the frog says: *My name
is Kermit Jagger. *My dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the
bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. *She asks if he *has
anything he can use as collateral. *The frog says,"Sure. I have this," and
produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright
pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. *She finds the manager and says:
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to *borrow $30,000. *And he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. *"I mean, what the heck is *this?"
(Are you ready for this????)
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
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>>>>>>>>
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>>>>>>>>>>
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. *Give the frog a loan. *His old man's a
Rolling Stone".
...Them's got ears, let them hear
Them's got eyes, let them see
Turn your eyes to the lord of the skies
Take this airline plane
It'll take you home again
Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them later.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can
be
Recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.
We could all learn a lot from a box of crayons...
Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names, and all are different colors,
but they all have to live in the same box.
Jimmy went into a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock? We have 99 replied the shop owner."Give us the lot" said Jimmy, paid for them and left. He went to the tailor shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went to the Post Office Tower and jumped off!
He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened? "I don't know sur" he replied, but thats the last time I try that budgie jumping!
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impresive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A young man asked God how long a million years was to him.
God said, "A million years to you is like a single second to me."
The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "A million dollars to you is like a single penny to me."
The young man said, "Could I have one of your pennies?"
God smiled and said, "Certainly, just a second."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
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