One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Proof that planning ahead can really pay off lol
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolsCritterCare
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a
pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.
The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly,
children, let's put our heads together!"
After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now --
let us spray!"
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen.
Intrigued, she knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?"
A child's voice answered, "Yep."
"Is your Father there?"
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."
"Well, is your Mother there?"
"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."
"Are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Two elderly gentlemen are talking. "I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
"I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
"Hello, phone company? I told you my last name is Sweady, but you have it listed in the phone book as Cyirwu."
"I'm sorry, sir. I can't understand how such a mistake happened. I'll fix it so that it'll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now, how do you spell your name?"
"Just like I told you the last time. It's S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen.
Intrigued, she knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?"
A child's voice answered, "Yep."
"Is your Father there?"
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."
"Well, is your Mother there?"
"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."
"Are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"
Two elderly gentlemen are talking. "I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
"I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
They say you die as you are born, life makes a full circle... no hair, no teeth & wearing a diaper.
"Hello, phone company? I told you my last name is Sweady, but you have it listed in the phone book as Cyirwu."
"I'm sorry, sir. I can't understand how such a mistake happened. I'll fix it so that it'll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now, how do you spell your name?"
"Just like I told you the last time. It's S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you."
lol cute... I always have a problem when spelling my name on the phone & ALWAYS have to repeat that my last name has 2 N's as in Nancy... some how i usually get an M in there somewhere, so annoying.
lol cute... I always have a problem when spelling my name on the phone & ALWAYS have to repeat that my last name has 2 N's as in Nancy... some how i usually get an M in there somewhere, so annoying.
I have that same problem with my German last name. Sometimes they put a F in there instead of S, among many other misspellings and mispronunciations. Once when we were waiting for a table in a restaurant, the host butchered our name so bad we just sat there until he said about 4 times. My German name suddenly became a French name lol. I should have kept my maiden name. It was easy to spell.
A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen.
Intrigued, she knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?"
A child's voice answered, "Yep."
"Is your Father there?"
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."
"Well, is your Mother there?"
"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."
"Are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"
Quote:
eeeeew an outhouse lol
Not sure why but this one really made me giggle.
I guess just the visual I had in my mind of this city lady so out of place. lol lol
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
I have that same problem with my German last name. Sometimes they put a F in there instead of S, among many other misspellings and mispronunciations. Once when we were waiting for a table in a restaurant, the host butchered our name so bad we just sat there until he said about 4 times. My German name suddenly became a French name lol. I should have kept my maiden name. It was easy to spell.
When i was in school i had 4 last names YEP i said 4! 3 of them were hard for people to get right, however i only went by one last name & it wasnt legally my last name, as it belonged to my step dad, so i just took it on & dropped the rest when i signed stuff.
One day in high school a new office person was calling me to the office & didn't know which name to use or whatever... she announced my first name (which was margaret at that time & no one knew that lol) and all 4 last names & butchered 3 of them, i just about died!!!!
I was 14 then.. i went home crying & begging my mom & dad (step dad) to change my last name to his name & remove the other 4... within a couple weeks they did (and my first name was changed by accident lol i liked it & kept it though) & i have had one hard name ever since.
This one was sent to me today.
It cracked me up {8^)
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
...Them's got ears, let them hear
Them's got eyes, let them see
Turn your eyes to the lord of the skies
Take this airline plane
It'll take you home again
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you"?
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day: don't lie to your mother.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
A couple of hunters from Minnesota are out in the woods when one of them falls on the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator" My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a soothing voice says, just take it easy. I can help. First we have to make sure he's dead. There is silence for a while, then a shot rings out. The guy's voice come back on the line and say's Okay now what?
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Re: Need a good laugh?
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