After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the CEO of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure,” says the General Motors CEO. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?!!"
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
With Halloween just around the corner, here's a good laugh:
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when
suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties.
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to
free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror
he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of
these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to
see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get
my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just
seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's
horn blared.
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free
and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks
anyway God, I got it myself."
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
__________________
I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times. ~ Bruce Lee
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
I know that joke, KooKoo, but with an alternate ending:
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?" Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probably knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" Forest answers, "It's in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam c ame home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
T hey told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(ouch!)
No Pun In Ten Did ~ yup had to read it twice... (ouch! LOL)
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?" "Ya, that vill be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped , "No! We think you are trying to escape!"
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: May 9th, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
__________________ If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.
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Re: Need a good laugh?
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