There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated. One particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred.
As was his custom, Father would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten mind you, but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was the boss.
The doorbell rang and the first boy arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..." And so the farmer shot him. ops:
After living in town for years, we decided to "go country" - grow our own vegetables, burn wood, raise a couple pigs and keep some chickens so we'd have fresh eggs. But, not used to the ways of the country, we were always running out of things, and that led to my most embarrassing moment!
A few days after getting 50 baby chicks, we ran out of chick starter. Figuring I could make do until I could get to town, I rummaged through my kitchen cupboards and put together a mixture of rolled oats and flour. When I put this "treat" out for our baby chicks, they went wild with excitement, and I left them to enjoy their meal. That evening, a friend from town stopped by, and , wanting to show off my "farming" ability, I asked her out to see our chicks. But when I looked in on them, I saw something was dreadfully wrong!
All those chicks were toppled over on their sides, chirping like mad! And for good reason - when the flour I'd given them combined with their drinking water, they'd all ended up with dough balls the size of English muffins on their feet. It took me most of the night to remove those new "snowshoes" I had given them!
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City dude decides he wants to move to the country and raise chickens.
So he buys a farm,, orders 250 baby chicks from the feed store. Two weeks later he goes back to the feed store to order 250 more.
Again,, 2 weeks later he goes back to the feed store for more chicks,,, the owner of the store asks him,, why are you buying so many chicks so often if I may ask.
Well,, the city dude says,,, I ain't having very good luck at this chicken farming thing.
Owner says,, well what is wrong,, do they keep dying ? are you feeding them right?? Do they have enough water?
City dude says,, well first time I think I planted them too deep,, next time I think I planted them too close together!
#10 They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this:
The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is approximately 45 mph.
#2 Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
A very snooty Department of Agriculture representative stopped
at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer,
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said: "OK, but don't go in that field over
there."
The Agriculture representative said, "I have the authority of
the U.S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to
go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull
was gaining on the rep at every step.
The old potato farmer was writing a letter to his son Bubba, who was wrongfully convicted of manslaughter and serving time in the state pen.
The old farmer wrote:
" Dear Bubba, we all sure miss you here on potato farm, it's just about Springtime and soon it will be time to plant the seed potatoes. I'm getting up in years now, and I have no one to help me turn the soil. I know if you were here, you would help. Hope everything is going okay for you.
Love,
Dad"
Bubba received the letter and wrote back:
"Dear Dad,
Everything is going ok, so far. I miss all of you too and wish there was something I could do to help, but PLEASE whatever you do DO NOT turn the soil in the potato field! That's where I buried the bodies!!!
Love,
Bubba"
A few days later the CSI team arrived on the farm and dug up the entire field. They were looking for the bodies that had never been recovered. They didn't turn up a single bone or body part.
A few days later, a letter arrived from Bubba:
"Dear Dad,
I really wanted to help you turn the soil, but under the circumstances, this was the best I could do. Go ahead and plant your seed potatoes now.
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver. "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
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