getting married

SKY4HIGHER · 10-09-2006, 02:38 PM

So here's the deal, I have known my boyfriend for 15 years. We have a daughter together, she is will be 4 next year. I have noticed that many people here are married and have families. When did you all get married. Does it matter on age? I am scared to get married and rush into things. I have this feeling that it will not matter how long we have been together or known each other, we are young. I also think that early 20's you are still finding out alot about yourselves. I just want to hear how getting married changes things, or if it does? I guess to say I have a small phobia of marraige!

kmfarm · 10-09-2006, 05:46 PM

I'll give you the secret to marriage, at least in my view.

Before you get married you have to decide that your husband/wife is the most important person in your life. That means, more important than your parents, friends, relatives, co-workers and even your kids. If both of you have this outlook, you'll avoid most problems.

Next, money is equally shared no matter who earns what. Partners in life don't split the bills, that's what divorced people do.

Spare time should be shared as much as possible. That doesn't mean you don't have your own time, it just means that you should make an effort to share spare time. There's not much of that anymore these days, so enjoy it together.

Don't let the little things get out of hand. If an arguement is coming over something trivial, let it go.

Don't use (withhold) sex for anything other than your personal intimacy. Sex should be special and private. Keep it that way.

These are the most important keys to me, and it's worked for 20 years so far. Yes, we're both still happy.

Good luck and don't be scared.

Mark

pk · 10-09-2006, 10:37 PM

kmfarm gave you excellent advice.

I will add that I read 'money' is the #1 issue that people fight about. Don't stay if the person is always reminding you that he makes more than you, or he pays more of the bills so everything is his etc.. They are not your bills, or his bills. They are BOTH your bills and there for it is BOTH your money no matter who earns it. Experts all say you both need to know exactly what the money situation is at all time. And understand that when you marry you become 'one' and you need to both be able to share and think of each other.

Because so many couples think 'separate' is why so many end up separate.

One thing my mom always told me, marry someone that is your best friend. If you can't think of your partner as your cherished friend as well as lover, etc..then you will have problems. When the going gets tough, the friendship part will take over and help you through.

Also, trust is very important. So many couples find out before it is to late that if you don't exactly trust your partner before you marry than more than likely you will end up not trusting him later.

Also, watch how your b/f treats his mother. He should show that he repects her and understands what a family is all about. Also really look at who your in-laws will be. There will be trouble ahead if you don't like them before you get married.

You mentioned that you have known your b/f for 15 years. Seems as if you must really know him well by now. If you are still worried after all these years and a 4 year old child, than maybe you do need to sit down and really ask yourself what is really holding you back?

pk

**j10asen** · 10-10-2006, 06:59 AM

I was once told that whatever question came to my mind, I already had the answer.

There is no way anyone other than yourself is qualified to answer that question. Only you know how your heart feels only you see and live through yourself.

I can say with a four year old you have at least 14 years of shared responsibility one way or another with your child's father. Look within.

We all care but no message board out there can solve your issues.

best wishes for you and your child.

pk · 10-10-2006, 07:34 AM

j10asen...you are so correct when saying:

Quote:

There is no way anyone other than yourself is qualified to answer that question. Only you know how your heart feels only you see and live through yourself.

I'm wondering if you aren't hoping someone here will say what you already know. All of us can give great answers to what to look for in a husband, or if it worked for us (being married), or what we think about marriage years later..but what each of us is saying is based on our life experience and maybe not anything like the situation you have?

Go with what your heart is saying. If you aren't sure then you know deep down that perhaps there is a reason for the doubts. If you look at him and honestly can say you want to be with him no matter what the problems may come in life, then you will have a good chance at a great future.

Good luck.

pk

**Kris10** · 10-10-2006, 08:50 AM

My husband and I will be married three years on Oct. 25. The only thing marriage changed for us is my name and credit score. We lived together before marriage (despite a lot of religious condemnation) and I don't regret it at all. It let us both see how the other is to live with. The fact that we are married hasn't increased or decreased our level of commitment.

If you have been together 15 years, clearly you have a bond. Most marriages don't even last that long. It's up to you to decide whether to marry, but don't think you need to because everyone else in your age group is doing it.

Crys · 10-10-2006, 10:25 AM

Well, proof that all experiences are different and it really depends on you and your b/f and what's in your own hearts --

My experiences are completely different from what's posted above. I've been through two marriages now. The first one I changed my name, we shared everything and we ended up hating each other. You should never have to feel like you need permission to use a little of the communal money to buy a coffee in the morning.

My second marriage, we lived together for several years first and ended up going to Vegas to get married because we couldn't afford a larger wedding. I got married in jeans and a black shirt. We probably looked more like we were going to a funeral than a wedding.

I kept my own name instead of surrendering control of my identity to someone else. We discussed whether or not to go with his name, mine, some combination, or just keep them as is. We decided we were both happier retaining our personal identities as people.

We have tried both communal money/bills/property and separate and discovered that with separate checking and splitting up the bills and regular expenses proportionally to our income, we NEVER fight about money. And I mean never. We argue about philosophical differences, but not money. To be clear, they're OUR expenses together, but I'm responsible for some of them, and he's responsible for the others. And it's not absolute, we help each other when necessary, our names are both on both accounts for convenience and legal reasons, but we don't have the problems I've seen in other marriages (including my previous one), where someone's hiding money or using it as leverage or claiming it all belongs to one person or another or resenting purchases considered frivolous by the non-purchaser. Property of course is communal, but that's true of any arrangement with multiple people living in the same space. Marriages become dysfunctional when your identity as an individual person is treated as secondary to some illusory hive-mind expectation. If it already works for you to put your money together, do it. If it doesn't, don't, and don't let anyone tell you (as people have tried to tell me) that it makes your marriage less valid or viable. Everyone's different, everyone needs different arrangements.

Things only change when you get married if you consciously or unconsciously think they will. If you're expecting them to, you'll unconsciously make them change. If you want a change in your relationship, getting married is not the way to make that change. On the other hand, getting married can give you certain legal protections and rights that unmarried couples don't enjoy; that's the primary reason my current husband and I got married.

How long have you lived together? I'm not sure the number of years in Wisconsin (in Michigan it's 7), but if you live together long enough, you can be legally considered married under "common law" without going through the rigamaroll of getting a license and and a judge/priest. Alternatively, if you want the rigamaroll of a big wedding and just aren't ready for legal marriage, you can have the ceremony "in the eyes of" your god(s) (or family if you're an atheist), without the legal obligation.

Some religions allow for short-term "marriages" which are a bit of a legal headache if you want them recognized by the govt (unless they become long-term marriages), but that are commitments for a certain period of time, say a year and a day, to be renewed each year unless you don't want it to be.

SKY4HIGHER · 10-10-2006, 12:54 PM

That is all great advice, and great things that I should sit down and really think about. I am not worried about marring him in particular, I am worried about getting married all together. We do share money, very well, He stays at home with our daughter, he is a wonderful father, and will do it for just a little while longer until school starts. Me on the other, I love my job and love to work, I am the one who pays the bills and rent so we have a place to live and buys the food so we have something to eat. But he returns the favor by cleaning that home we live in and cooking that food that I buy. Our free time is not spent together as much as it should be.
I know that I cannot follow your advice word for word, but it does help when getting perspective from people who don't really know us. We have lived together for 3.5 years. I lived with my parents until my daugher was about 8 months old or so.
As I said in my previous post, we are pretty young. I am going to turn 22 at the end of the year. Being so young never became a problem for me me when it came to being a good mother, that is based on instincts, it was just there already, i love being a mom, and would love to have more children...but WIFE?? Scary thought,
Bottom quesiton is do you really know when you are ready??

**Kris10** · 10-10-2006, 01:36 PM

I knew we were ready when he asked me to marry him! I had been in long-term relationships before, but none resulted in a proposal! I figured he must be serious! When he asked, I didn't have to think about it to answer (though I did say, "Shut up, are you serious? You're lying!" a lot before saying yes). It just felt like a logical progression in our relationship. What confirms that it was the right choice is that three years later, nothing has really changed. We're still the same couple, and my last name is now easier to spell!

Crys · 10-11-2006, 09:55 AM

The only advice I have on being certain is to live together for a couple years first, which you've already been doing. I think it's less of a change if you're already used to cohabiting the same space. That was a big problem with my first marriage; I was 19 when we got married, and neither of us had ever lived with someone else before, other than in the dorms at college.

I suppose "when you're ready" really boils down to "can I imagine my life twenty years from now, thirty years, at retirement, without this person in it?" If the answer to that is a resounding and immediate "No!", then you're already thinking in terms of that level of commitment, whether you go through the legal entanglement or not.

Either way, the important thing is to do what makes you happy