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Late-Night Gas Prices Satire

"Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th." –Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." --David Letterman

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are now demanding that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaged in price gouging.
Putting the White House in charge of investigating oil companies. That's like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." --Jay Leno

"California now has the most expensive gas prices. Gas is so expensive now that drivers are shooting themselves instead of each other. It's affecting a lot of people. You just wait for the Indy 200 at the end of the month." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices, aren't they crazy? It's so expensive that rats are carpooling in from New Jersey." --David Letterman

"There was a sign at the station near by my house that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express." --Jay Leno

"They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels (of oil) produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." --Jay Leno

"I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August." --Jay Leno


"To counteract all the bad publicity they've been getting, the oil companies plan to introduce full-page ads explaining where your gas dollar goes. Before you explain that, explain where you get gas for a dollar. There's no such thing as a gas dollar. It's your gas five dollar." --Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive SUV now stands for sport utility victim." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called, 'Gasoline at $3 a gallon.' ... Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton." --David Letterman

"President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas." —Jay Leno

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, taken by the gas stations." -- Jay Leno

"On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." --Jay Leno

"The average price of gas is now $2.11 a gallon, and here in California, it’s $2.30 a gallon. Here in L.A., it is literally cheaper to buy a new car than to fill your gas tank. Literally. Oprah tried to give away a car to someone in her studio audience today, and the woman spit in her face." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here in California gas prices have gone up to more than $2 a gallon. So not only didn’t we find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq…apparently we didn't find any oil there either. Didn't we win the war? I thought that gas would be free now." —Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a big $286 billion highway bill yesterday. The sad part, $285 billion of it is for gas money." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices have risen again. Prices are so bad here in L.A. that guys in Beverly Hills are hiring hookers to siphon gas out of other people's cars." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices at an all-time high here in California. Like, $3.30, in Malibu. Gas is so expensive, women in Beverly Hills now can't afford to run over their cheating husbands with their Mercedes anymore." --Jay Leno

"The nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America.'" --Dennis Miller

"While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life." --Tina Fey

"President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops yesterday. It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell -- the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." --Jay Leno

"The price of gas in California is going crazy.
In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." —Jay Leno

"How many have seen 'March of the Penguins'?...You know why they're marching? They can't afford gas." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry blasted the Bush administration for high gas prices ... he said gas is so expensive he may now have to marry Bill Gates." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to control gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's crazy, only Dick Cheney can control gas prices.'" —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gasoline if he is elected president. He said he would arm-twist members of OPEC to lower prices. Do you think this is really going to work with OPEC, arm twisting? Hey, Bush invaded them and they haven't lowered prices. We blew up the country and they haven't lowered prices." —Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive now, today I saw Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds carrying their cars." --Jay Leno

"How many went to the beach this weekend? How many went to the mountains? How many just piled in the family car, sat in the driveway, and pretended you could actually afford gas to go somewhere?" --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration announced they're going to be looking now into some short-term solutions into high gasoline prices. ... They're looking to solve the problem, I don't know, up to the first week in November." —Jay Leno

"This week, the economy is still suffering, the economy is at an all-time low, gas prices are going up over $2 a gallon. In other words, President Bush is back from vacation and back on the job." —Jay Leno