Wisconsin Forums

[Crys]

Well, proof that all experiences are different and it really depends on you and your b/f and what's in your own hearts --

My experiences are completely different from what's posted above. I've been through two marriages now. The first one I changed my name, we shared everything and we ended up hating each other. You should never have to feel like you need permission to use a little of the communal money to buy a coffee in the morning.

My second marriage, we lived together for several years first and ended up going to Vegas to get married because we couldn't afford a larger wedding. I got married in jeans and a black shirt. We probably looked more like we were going to a funeral than a wedding.

I kept my own name instead of surrendering control of my identity to someone else. We discussed whether or not to go with his name, mine, some combination, or just keep them as is. We decided we were both happier retaining our personal identities as people.

We have tried both communal money/bills/property and separate and discovered that with separate checking and splitting up the bills and regular expenses proportionally to our income, we NEVER fight about money. And I mean never. We argue about philosophical differences, but not money. To be clear, they're OUR expenses together, but I'm responsible for some of them, and he's responsible for the others. And it's not absolute, we help each other when necessary, our names are both on both accounts for convenience and legal reasons, but we don't have the problems I've seen in other marriages (including my previous one), where someone's hiding money or using it as leverage or claiming it all belongs to one person or another or resenting purchases considered frivolous by the non-purchaser. Property of course is communal, but that's true of any arrangement with multiple people living in the same space. Marriages become dysfunctional when your identity as an individual person is treated as secondary to some illusory hive-mind expectation. If it already works for you to put your money together, do it. If it doesn't, don't, and don't let anyone tell you (as people have tried to tell me) that it makes your marriage less valid or viable. Everyone's different, everyone needs different arrangements.

Things only change when you get married if you consciously or unconsciously think they will. If you're expecting them to, you'll unconsciously make them change. If you want a change in your relationship, getting married is not the way to make that change. On the other hand, getting married can give you certain legal protections and rights that unmarried couples don't enjoy; that's the primary reason my current husband and I got married.

How long have you lived together? I'm not sure the number of years in Wisconsin (in Michigan it's 7), but if you live together long enough, you can be legally considered married under "common law" without going through the rigamaroll of getting a license and and a judge/priest. Alternatively, if you want the rigamaroll of a big wedding and just aren't ready for legal marriage, you can have the ceremony "in the eyes of" your god(s) (or family if you're an atheist), without the legal obligation.

Some religions allow for short-term "marriages" which are a bit of a legal headache if you want them recognized by the govt (unless they become long-term marriages), but that are commitments for a certain period of time, say a year and a day, to be renewed each year unless you don't want it to be.