Wisconsin Forums

[AJE]

Some Camping Tips

***When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

**Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

***Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

**When smoking a fish, never inhale.

***A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

**The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

***Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.

**While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely un heard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

***Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

**Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

***You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

**You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

***When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

**You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

***Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

**A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

***A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

**You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

***In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

**The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

***Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

**The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

***It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

**Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

***A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.

**In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.